Fat and rambling

Yesterday I ate my lunch smiling at my parents and then went to purge it all in the bathroom, as usual. This time, however, loads and loads of bile came up and it just made me feel horribly sick. It made me get fed up with everything and for the rest of the day I just ate without thinking. I had poached eggs, crisps and chocolate ice cream and I kept it all in.

I wanted to be normal. I wanted to lead a normal life, enjoy my short holiday and just be able to eat without worrying about calories and weight issues. It just doesn't work! This morning I couldn't help but get on the scales and as soon as I noticed that my weight went up again I felt miserable again for being such a fat bitch.

Why can't I just go the middle way? Why is it that I either have to binge or starve? Why can't I just keep eating small healthy meals throughout the day and just be good to my body? Because, let's face it: I am destroying it bit by bit by depriving it of what it needs and overindulging in what it certainly has enough of. I'd love so much to be healthy and to not have to worry about my moods swinging back and forth either.

It's be depressed and eat all the time or be hyper and restrict. If I eat while I'm hyper I lose focus and I end up partying, drinking and spending loads of money that I don't have. During my short stint into therapy it's been suggested I might be bipolar and my boyfriend will not stop going on about how he's convinced that I have it. There's no way I'm going to the doctors, though. Even though I know that I am constantly destroying myself one way or another.

I'm sorry for rambling and whinging... there's just so much going on in my mind at the moment and I just don't know what to do with myself.