BMI: 24,6

I hate being on antidepressants. First of all they don't really do anything to me, but as soon as I stop taking them then that's it. I've run out of fluoxetine, because I forgot that doctors' surgeries won't be open over Easter (or I just wasn't thinking in general) and I've got to wait till Thursday until I can get a new prescription. My head is constantly spinning and my mood will switch from ecstatic to suicidal within seconds.
I hate the fact that drugs (or the lack of drugs) do this to me and that there's not much I can do about it. The worst part is that pills don't even help me, as I've been in and out of depressive episodes without altering my meds at all. It's obviously not some strange kind of chemical imbalance in my brain that's causing me to be depressed - it's just me being messed up and selfish. But try telling that to my gp. They put me on a different ad at first which wasn't helping either, but as soon as I mentioned that it's not helping I was basically told that I am stupid and don't know what's good for me. Obviously, I haven't got a clue about how I'm feeling and only my doctor knows... yeah, right.

I woke up this morning with Radiohead's "In Rainbows" playing in the background and that almost sent me over the edge. I know it's just a record, but it gave me flashbacks of two years ago, when I'd cut myself daily and stay up all night crying and listening to that album over and over again - nothing I want to go back to.

I ate half of the Easter bunny yesterday and on top of that we also had a dominos pizza. I felt -and still feel- like a fat, disgusting and uncontrolled pig. There's a bit left over, but as soon as no one's looking it's going in the bin. I also got a huge box of Lindt chocolates from my parents today and I know exactly what I'm doing with them. As soon as I'm alone I'm going to scoff them all down my throat at once and then throw it all up. I really don't care. I want to eat, but I don't want to eat and more than anything I don't want to get fat. So why not eat and then punish myself for it? It's how I used to do it, so why not go back? There's no one else left to disappoint when I've already sunk to the bottom in everyone's eyes including my own.