BMI: Unknown

Oh, how I saw this coming.
Something you should know about me from the very beginning is that ever since I embarked on my first proper diet, my eating habits have never been anything you could consider "normal" anymore. From days of starvation to one heavy binge followed by another (sometimes even followed kneeling over the toilet) I've been there. My weight has yo-yoed leaving me to buy clothes in sizes 8 to 14. "Inbetween" is not an option anymore - my eating, my whole life has to be at one extreme or another.

Lately I've been tucking in. My plans to eat healthily and controlled didn't get me very far, but I kept telling myself that I wouldn't starve myself anymore. Just like my eating goes from one end of the spectrum to another, however, so does my mood. Fortunately I've been doing great, but on the other hand that always tempts me into heavy dieting. Somehow I seem to notice much more how much skinnier and how much more beautiful other girls are. Somehow it seems that all my fears and little insecurities will go away if only I restrict what I eat. I was fighting those thoughts and feelings for a long time, but today something happened that tipped me over the edge.

I am a full time student, but in order to get some extra money in I work at a restaurant part time. A while ago they ordered me some new shirts and when asked what size to get them in I confidently replied "10". Today they came and I realised in horror that I don't fit in them. Nothing in the whole wide world is going to make me go back and ask for a bigger size because I'm too fat for what I asked for. It's not happening.

So tomorrow I am weighing myself for the first time in ages and I already fear the number on the scales. Nevertheless, you have to know your enemy in order to beat it. Why gorge yourself on cake which will only end up on your hips anyway, if you can have the pure innocent beauty of emptiness? I have missed the light feeling of hunger for too long now. It's time to take my fate and my weight into my own hands. It's time to get some control back.