BMI: 24,6

I hate being on antidepressants. First of all they don't really do anything to me, but as soon as I stop taking them then that's it. I've run out of fluoxetine, because I forgot that doctors' surgeries won't be open over Easter (or I just wasn't thinking in general) and I've got to wait till Thursday until I can get a new prescription. My head is constantly spinning and my mood will switch from ecstatic to suicidal within seconds.
I hate the fact that drugs (or the lack of drugs) do this to me and that there's not much I can do about it. The worst part is that pills don't even help me, as I've been in and out of depressive episodes without altering my meds at all. It's obviously not some strange kind of chemical imbalance in my brain that's causing me to be depressed - it's just me being messed up and selfish. But try telling that to my gp. They put me on a different ad at first which wasn't helping either, but as soon as I mentioned that it's not helping I was basically told that I am stupid and don't know what's good for me. Obviously, I haven't got a clue about how I'm feeling and only my doctor knows... yeah, right.

I woke up this morning with Radiohead's "In Rainbows" playing in the background and that almost sent me over the edge. I know it's just a record, but it gave me flashbacks of two years ago, when I'd cut myself daily and stay up all night crying and listening to that album over and over again - nothing I want to go back to.

I ate half of the Easter bunny yesterday and on top of that we also had a dominos pizza. I felt -and still feel- like a fat, disgusting and uncontrolled pig. There's a bit left over, but as soon as no one's looking it's going in the bin. I also got a huge box of Lindt chocolates from my parents today and I know exactly what I'm doing with them. As soon as I'm alone I'm going to scoff them all down my throat at once and then throw it all up. I really don't care. I want to eat, but I don't want to eat and more than anything I don't want to get fat. So why not eat and then punish myself for it? It's how I used to do it, so why not go back? There's no one else left to disappoint when I've already sunk to the bottom in everyone's eyes including my own.

BMI: 24,1

Well, yesterday was a bit of a let down. First work rung me asking if I could come in an hour later because it was dead. Sure, no problem, as I had loads of things to do around the house anyway. But even when I got there I spent most of the time just standing around without a purpose because the whole place was empty. I was sent home at 6 pm because there was no work for me. So there goes my distraction.
Not to mention all the chocolate that was everywhere, including a huge chocolate bunny rabbit I got off my boyfriend's parents. What the hell am I going to do with it? Well, let's be honest - I'm blatantly going to eat it. Probably all in one go, which really doesn't help my bulging belly. I had some chicken breast salad yesterday as well, but it was within limits, as I still managed to drop off more than 1,5 kg in one day, so yesterday wasn't entirely useless.

Another thing I forgot to say on my previous posts is that I am absolutely staying away from alcohol at all costs. In the past week I got completely wasted twice, each time doing something I seriously regret afterwards. Like last time when I stole my boyfriend's phone and texted his boss asking if he could have a blow-job. Dignity? Self-control? Not when I'm drunk. It leaves me with bad hangovers and is full of empty calories, so I have to give alcohol a miss from now on.

Today I'm going to start my long-forgotten exercise regime as well. I haven't been for a run in ages and I know it will make me feel a lot better about myself as well as burn off loads of calories. Now please hide that Easter Bunny from me.

BMI: 24,6

Ewwwwwww I'm so disgusting. I got on the scale today and it went up to 68,6 kg which is simply put terrifying. No wonder I don't fit into any of my skinny clothes anymore. How could I let this happen?

To be honest, I was terrified of today for another reason as well. While it's Easter Sunday and everyone's celebrating with their families being lazy and stuff, I'm going to be stuck at work from 12 noon till 11 pm on a monstrous double shift on the busiest day of the year. I rang my parents this morning to wish them a happy Easter and it did make me feel like I was missing out on something special.
There is, however, something positive about it. Working for 11 hours means pretty much no time for eating. I had a plum and a cup of coffee for breakfast and if I skip my break so I don't get tempted to eat at work my calorie intake for the day would be less than 50 which is pretty amazing. I also don't need to worry about squeezing in any exercise, as I'll be busy enough running around after all those customers.

Maybe this is not a very traditional way to spend Easter, but at least I'll be burning calories whilst at the same time earning money. And that means maybe I can buy some shoes soon... the craving for a pair of cut-out ankle boots is just overwhelming.

BMI: Unknown

Oh, how I saw this coming.
Something you should know about me from the very beginning is that ever since I embarked on my first proper diet, my eating habits have never been anything you could consider "normal" anymore. From days of starvation to one heavy binge followed by another (sometimes even followed kneeling over the toilet) I've been there. My weight has yo-yoed leaving me to buy clothes in sizes 8 to 14. "Inbetween" is not an option anymore - my eating, my whole life has to be at one extreme or another.

Lately I've been tucking in. My plans to eat healthily and controlled didn't get me very far, but I kept telling myself that I wouldn't starve myself anymore. Just like my eating goes from one end of the spectrum to another, however, so does my mood. Fortunately I've been doing great, but on the other hand that always tempts me into heavy dieting. Somehow I seem to notice much more how much skinnier and how much more beautiful other girls are. Somehow it seems that all my fears and little insecurities will go away if only I restrict what I eat. I was fighting those thoughts and feelings for a long time, but today something happened that tipped me over the edge.

I am a full time student, but in order to get some extra money in I work at a restaurant part time. A while ago they ordered me some new shirts and when asked what size to get them in I confidently replied "10". Today they came and I realised in horror that I don't fit in them. Nothing in the whole wide world is going to make me go back and ask for a bigger size because I'm too fat for what I asked for. It's not happening.

So tomorrow I am weighing myself for the first time in ages and I already fear the number on the scales. Nevertheless, you have to know your enemy in order to beat it. Why gorge yourself on cake which will only end up on your hips anyway, if you can have the pure innocent beauty of emptiness? I have missed the light feeling of hunger for too long now. It's time to take my fate and my weight into my own hands. It's time to get some control back.