Fat and rambling

Yesterday I ate my lunch smiling at my parents and then went to purge it all in the bathroom, as usual. This time, however, loads and loads of bile came up and it just made me feel horribly sick. It made me get fed up with everything and for the rest of the day I just ate without thinking. I had poached eggs, crisps and chocolate ice cream and I kept it all in.

I wanted to be normal. I wanted to lead a normal life, enjoy my short holiday and just be able to eat without worrying about calories and weight issues. It just doesn't work! This morning I couldn't help but get on the scales and as soon as I noticed that my weight went up again I felt miserable again for being such a fat bitch.

Why can't I just go the middle way? Why is it that I either have to binge or starve? Why can't I just keep eating small healthy meals throughout the day and just be good to my body? Because, let's face it: I am destroying it bit by bit by depriving it of what it needs and overindulging in what it certainly has enough of. I'd love so much to be healthy and to not have to worry about my moods swinging back and forth either.

It's be depressed and eat all the time or be hyper and restrict. If I eat while I'm hyper I lose focus and I end up partying, drinking and spending loads of money that I don't have. During my short stint into therapy it's been suggested I might be bipolar and my boyfriend will not stop going on about how he's convinced that I have it. There's no way I'm going to the doctors, though. Even though I know that I am constantly destroying myself one way or another.

I'm sorry for rambling and whinging... there's just so much going on in my mind at the moment and I just don't know what to do with myself.

BMI: 23,9

Finally there's some movement in that BMI number! I just thought that I should probably think of some rewards for reaching certain goal weights, but at the moment just getting skinnier is rewarding enough.

I had to get up early today to go to the dentist and to be honest I've been dreading it, as I was sure that the constant purging would have ruined my teeth, but no - everything was fine. Relief.

My mum was waiting for me with breakfast as I got home, which consisted of sausages and toast and stuff. Urgh. I ate two sausages with no bread and black tea, but when I looked them out on the internet it turned out they were like 200 calories each. Fuck, fuck fuck. That means no more food today, or if that doesn't work (and I doubt it will with my parents around) then I'll have to purge every tiny little bit of it.

I'm going to do some cycling today as well, so hopefully I can train off those breakfast sins. I enjoy being hungry and empty at the moment and I don't want anyone to take that away from me!

BMI: 24,1

Urghhhh, all I need to lose is 200g of weight and then I'm finally under that dreaded BMI of 24, but I just can't seem to be able to pull myself together enough. I would have loved to join the Midsummer Night's fast, but as I'm visiting my parents for a week it would be impossible to avoid food. They want to celebrate that whole "family meal experience" together.

So at the airport today there was a two hour delay. I was bored and hungry, so I got some sausages and mash, ate them slowly and drank them with lots of diet coke and then went to the airport loo to throw it all up. Nice one.
I went to get myself some magazines and I found a book for weight loss as well, so I picked that one up too. The guy at the till gave it a sort of funny look and went, "You really don't need this". Nice of him, but yeah... whatever.

But then the most shocking thing was what my mum said. Usually she'll criticise me while we're still on our way to the car park for having put on weight and stuff, but this time she just commented, "You look so skinny in that outfit". Urgh, what? I would love to believe it all, but unfortunately the scales don't lie and they're telling me I'm fat. I'm on the verge of being officially overweight and that just wants me to squeeze all my flab until it comes off.

Of course my mum had prepared a feast at home, with roast beef followed by mousse au chocolat. I excused myself afterwards and purged it all, blaming my absence on a sensitive belly they think I have developed two or three years ago (as in at the onset of my messed up eating). I'm still really scared that I've put on weigh. I'm going to have to get loads and loads of exercise while I'm here. Dust that bike off and have long walks and play around with the dog.

Anyway, good luck to all of you who are fasting. Hopefully you're doing much better than me.

BMI: 24,2

I had such an amazing dream last night... Okay, I know that blogging about your dreams is rather sad, but in it I was a supermodel and amazingly skinny. I was strutting down catwalks and everyone was giving me amazing glares. It was absolutely awesome, up to the point when I woke up and realised I was still as fat as ever.

Last night I attempted to eat a "normal" dinner. As in not a tiny portion, but what a normal person would regard a healthy meal. Of course it couldn't go right, as once I got past a certain point I kept shovelling and shovelling and couldn't stop myself at all. I felt sick all night, disgusted with myself and wanting to purge, but I couldn't as my boyfriend had me under strict watch. Today wasn't much better, as I still ate way more than I should have. Not enough to be classified as a binge, but over that amount that will make me purge, which I did just now.

Just what is going on with me? I want to lose weight so badly, yet all I ever do lately is binge on high calorie crap! I can't even get my BMI under 24 and that is damn pathetic. At least I finished work early today and went to town afterwards, so I could buy myself a new notebook that will serve me as a food diary and on-the-go thinspiration. I've seriously got to pull myself together now. The problem is this won't be easy for the next week, as I'm going to see my parents tomorrow and they always try to stuff me with high calorie food. That means there's a lot more purging coming up for eight more days. Yay...

BMI: 24,1

Grrrr, no weight loss. And I know exactly why: I went to town with my boyfriend yesterday and out of all the cash machines there were, I had to go to the one that's right opposite Subway. Before I knew it, he was already stood at the counter, ordering himself a footlong meatball sub (eurgh!) and asking me what I want. I told him I wasn't hungry as I just had a huge breakfast (which was a lie). So he asked me what I had and I made up stuff like cereal, toast and fruit, but it still wasn't enough for him, so he just ordered me a sub of the day, which was salami and pepperoni and ham (as in loads and loads of fatty shit!). Not happy about that. I had a tomato and a bit of cucumber with low-fat dressing for dinner, but obviously I was still way over my limit.

While shopping I went to look for some utility trousers for summer, but that only left me feeling depressed, as all the ones I tried on tended to make me look like a pregnant elephant. There's definitely so much more weight to lose before I can start wearing nice clothes again.

As I came out of River Island all depressed and fed up, I found my boyfriend at a counter for professional photo shoots. Turns out he wants an "arty" picture of me on the wall, because he thinks I'm so pretty. It's very lovely of him to say that, but yeah.... as if looking in the mirror isn't bad enough already - I don't really want a photo of my huge fat body hanging around constantly reminding me and everyone who comes to visit about how little self control I have. If we're going to go through with this then I need to shed a lot of weight - quick!

BMI: 24,1

Finally I'm back to my old self. Those past few days have been scary, but I'm getting a grip on life again now (even though I'm still not taking my meds).
Yesterday I had another crazy episode, though. I came home from work at around 11 pm and found my boyfriend sat there with the TV on, simultaneously watching videos on my Mac while the whole room looked like a bomb had hit it. Nothing pisses me off more than coming home and finding out that it's now a bigger shit hole than when I left it and Mr. Lazy hasn't done anything but lay around on his bum. I went off in a frenzy and when he said, "I wish you never came home from work" I stormed off into the night and went for a two hour walk.

I was furious with him, though I didn't mean to be gone for so long - I kind of got lost a little bit. At least I felt better afterwards and think of all those calories it must have burnt! When I got back home he was still on the sofa, playing Call of Duty and though he tried to make me believe otherwise I don't really think he cared too much about me being gone. I skipped dinner and went straight to bed, spending about an hour trying to warm up from the cold.

I don't want to be too harsh on my boyfriend, though. I can be quite a handful and usually he's pretty amazing at dealing with me. I'm not surprised he gets fed up from time to time.

Thanks to my craziness I lost 1.5kg again, so my food sins of insanity have been forgiven. There's still a huge box full of candy in my room, but for some reason I have completely lost my appetite for chocolate... strange, let's see how long that lasts.
On the other hand I also need to find out some new form of exercise that I can do. I'm bored of running and yoga and I want to try something new. I'd love to do something with my boyfriend, as he could do with losing a bit of weight, but he's had knee surgery, so about 95% of traditional sports are not an option for him and that sucks. Maybe I'll go to a dancing class or something like that. I always wanted the lean, toned body of a dancer.

BMI: 24.6

I actually managed to lose a little bit of weight since yesterday, though not enough to show on my BMI. It was quite a surprise this morning as I can hardly remember what I did yesterday. I know we went to T.G.I. Fridays and I nibbled on veg and something like that, but the rest of the day and my calorie intake in particular are gone.

I went to the doctors today to pick up my prescription, but they were closed for lunch and I didn't have enough time to wait around for an hour. So now I've got to put up with this weird mind set of mine for even longer and I hate how my lack of pills is screwing with my head.

I do however admire all your blogs and reading how great you're all doing spurs me on. I've had an apple today and a piece of chocolate (naughty, I know... but strangely I didn't feel like more after that one piece), so that's about 150 cals in total. I'll have a little bit of cucumber later and then I'm off to work - which I really, really don't feel like. My boyfriend was supposed to be there, but someone rang him today to cover his shift and now I'll be on my own which scares the shit out of me when I'm like this.

At least there won't be any opportunity for me to eat.

BMI: 24,6

I hate being on antidepressants. First of all they don't really do anything to me, but as soon as I stop taking them then that's it. I've run out of fluoxetine, because I forgot that doctors' surgeries won't be open over Easter (or I just wasn't thinking in general) and I've got to wait till Thursday until I can get a new prescription. My head is constantly spinning and my mood will switch from ecstatic to suicidal within seconds.
I hate the fact that drugs (or the lack of drugs) do this to me and that there's not much I can do about it. The worst part is that pills don't even help me, as I've been in and out of depressive episodes without altering my meds at all. It's obviously not some strange kind of chemical imbalance in my brain that's causing me to be depressed - it's just me being messed up and selfish. But try telling that to my gp. They put me on a different ad at first which wasn't helping either, but as soon as I mentioned that it's not helping I was basically told that I am stupid and don't know what's good for me. Obviously, I haven't got a clue about how I'm feeling and only my doctor knows... yeah, right.

I woke up this morning with Radiohead's "In Rainbows" playing in the background and that almost sent me over the edge. I know it's just a record, but it gave me flashbacks of two years ago, when I'd cut myself daily and stay up all night crying and listening to that album over and over again - nothing I want to go back to.

I ate half of the Easter bunny yesterday and on top of that we also had a dominos pizza. I felt -and still feel- like a fat, disgusting and uncontrolled pig. There's a bit left over, but as soon as no one's looking it's going in the bin. I also got a huge box of Lindt chocolates from my parents today and I know exactly what I'm doing with them. As soon as I'm alone I'm going to scoff them all down my throat at once and then throw it all up. I really don't care. I want to eat, but I don't want to eat and more than anything I don't want to get fat. So why not eat and then punish myself for it? It's how I used to do it, so why not go back? There's no one else left to disappoint when I've already sunk to the bottom in everyone's eyes including my own.

BMI: 24,1

Well, yesterday was a bit of a let down. First work rung me asking if I could come in an hour later because it was dead. Sure, no problem, as I had loads of things to do around the house anyway. But even when I got there I spent most of the time just standing around without a purpose because the whole place was empty. I was sent home at 6 pm because there was no work for me. So there goes my distraction.
Not to mention all the chocolate that was everywhere, including a huge chocolate bunny rabbit I got off my boyfriend's parents. What the hell am I going to do with it? Well, let's be honest - I'm blatantly going to eat it. Probably all in one go, which really doesn't help my bulging belly. I had some chicken breast salad yesterday as well, but it was within limits, as I still managed to drop off more than 1,5 kg in one day, so yesterday wasn't entirely useless.

Another thing I forgot to say on my previous posts is that I am absolutely staying away from alcohol at all costs. In the past week I got completely wasted twice, each time doing something I seriously regret afterwards. Like last time when I stole my boyfriend's phone and texted his boss asking if he could have a blow-job. Dignity? Self-control? Not when I'm drunk. It leaves me with bad hangovers and is full of empty calories, so I have to give alcohol a miss from now on.

Today I'm going to start my long-forgotten exercise regime as well. I haven't been for a run in ages and I know it will make me feel a lot better about myself as well as burn off loads of calories. Now please hide that Easter Bunny from me.

BMI: 24,6

Ewwwwwww I'm so disgusting. I got on the scale today and it went up to 68,6 kg which is simply put terrifying. No wonder I don't fit into any of my skinny clothes anymore. How could I let this happen?

To be honest, I was terrified of today for another reason as well. While it's Easter Sunday and everyone's celebrating with their families being lazy and stuff, I'm going to be stuck at work from 12 noon till 11 pm on a monstrous double shift on the busiest day of the year. I rang my parents this morning to wish them a happy Easter and it did make me feel like I was missing out on something special.
There is, however, something positive about it. Working for 11 hours means pretty much no time for eating. I had a plum and a cup of coffee for breakfast and if I skip my break so I don't get tempted to eat at work my calorie intake for the day would be less than 50 which is pretty amazing. I also don't need to worry about squeezing in any exercise, as I'll be busy enough running around after all those customers.

Maybe this is not a very traditional way to spend Easter, but at least I'll be burning calories whilst at the same time earning money. And that means maybe I can buy some shoes soon... the craving for a pair of cut-out ankle boots is just overwhelming.

BMI: Unknown

Oh, how I saw this coming.
Something you should know about me from the very beginning is that ever since I embarked on my first proper diet, my eating habits have never been anything you could consider "normal" anymore. From days of starvation to one heavy binge followed by another (sometimes even followed kneeling over the toilet) I've been there. My weight has yo-yoed leaving me to buy clothes in sizes 8 to 14. "Inbetween" is not an option anymore - my eating, my whole life has to be at one extreme or another.

Lately I've been tucking in. My plans to eat healthily and controlled didn't get me very far, but I kept telling myself that I wouldn't starve myself anymore. Just like my eating goes from one end of the spectrum to another, however, so does my mood. Fortunately I've been doing great, but on the other hand that always tempts me into heavy dieting. Somehow I seem to notice much more how much skinnier and how much more beautiful other girls are. Somehow it seems that all my fears and little insecurities will go away if only I restrict what I eat. I was fighting those thoughts and feelings for a long time, but today something happened that tipped me over the edge.

I am a full time student, but in order to get some extra money in I work at a restaurant part time. A while ago they ordered me some new shirts and when asked what size to get them in I confidently replied "10". Today they came and I realised in horror that I don't fit in them. Nothing in the whole wide world is going to make me go back and ask for a bigger size because I'm too fat for what I asked for. It's not happening.

So tomorrow I am weighing myself for the first time in ages and I already fear the number on the scales. Nevertheless, you have to know your enemy in order to beat it. Why gorge yourself on cake which will only end up on your hips anyway, if you can have the pure innocent beauty of emptiness? I have missed the light feeling of hunger for too long now. It's time to take my fate and my weight into my own hands. It's time to get some control back.